Creep Nation (2019)

After his sister’s disappearance, a young man finds a secret network of sex traffickers involved.

So before I start this review, I just have to say:

Filmmakers, take notes:

When you’re making a film about Dark Web stuff, maybe don’t put Donald Trump in it. Politics aside, I think everyone agrees that the orange wigged man saying, “there are, like, these cameras in every room, okay?” is probably not a good thing to put in the intro. I mean, if you’re going to throw Trump into a movie, at least put Macauley Culkin in it.

Just saying.

Also, if you’re going the Taken route, at least throw some grizzled tough guy type in as the hero.

(1 means least, 10 means make movies great again. Don’t take that seriously, it’s just a really terrible reference):

Misery: 10

Boredom: 10

Predictability: 10

The Don: 10

Quigon Jinn: 0

Budget: 0

Actual research into the deep web and dark net: 0

Blatant copying of Taken: 10

Redhead fun: 0

Any other colour of hair fun: 0

Midichlorian count: as off the charts as Hayden Christensen on a regular day.

Is this horror? Sadly, yes. I wish it wasn’t. It really shouldn’t be. Unfortunately it is. The snuff-ish parts and the jumpscares and the failed attempts at creepy content land it in the horror subgenre.

What should you watch instead?

Taken, Taken 2, Tak3n, Home Alone, Home Alone 2. Hell, even Home Alone 3.

The Full Review:

I mean, would it kill filmmakers to at least try to research their content before they make it? No. No it wouldn’t.

This is an instance where even the tiniest bit of research would help the audience with their suspension of disbelief, which is generally important, especially when you’re making a film about something like this. Megan’s Missing, Unfriended 2, and The Den all researched beforehand, and each at least had a niche audience that somewhat liked it.

Creep Nation doesn’t really show the homework. There are maybe two scenes which lean towards the factually true, but everything else is just the filmmakers idea of what the non-indexed parts of the internet feature.

It’s not that difficult to open a Tor browser, get a list of onion links, and check out some of that. Even ten minutes of research would have made for a better experience than what Creep Nation turned into.

Buuut okay, you want to know about the other film content, so here goes:

It’s not scary, mostly because it’s just outdated depictions of snuff content, voyeur content, and lazy jumpscares. Also because the other content is stuff you’ve seen in films like Taken. Actually, this is pretty much just a lazy low budget paraphrase of the stuff that goes in Taken, so if you’ve seen Taken, you’re not missing out on much. 

That would be forgiven if either of the characters were people we could care about. The sister is an annoying cliche who is fleshed out as much as a few lines of dialogue can (so just barely enough for the viewer to register than she is not a side character), and the brother is just the hero guy who randomly comes in and tries to save the day. There’s so little character detail and development that this might as well be a bland action film. I mean, if you remove the snuff/creeper content then it’s pretty much an action film. Again, the problem being that it’s a low budget copy of a certain popular action franchise starring Quigon. 

But at least the acting is okay. I mean, they put effort into their outdated character cliches, even if we only get the mildest sense of villainy from the antagonists. 

It’s not a film that’s done with any kind of intentions. It’s filmed like a bad action film (tons of jump cuts, gimmicky bits, and chase scenes that needed to be edited better), but with cringe-worthy horror content, and written like…

I can’t actually compare because I don’t watch bad action movies, but it’s written like a bad action movie.

Suffice it to say, and this is the bottom line, Creep Nation is just a bad horror film. That’s it. You don’t get anything out of it. It’s also a blatant modernized paraphrasing of Taken.

I mean, just watch Taken if you want a film in which someone gets kidnapped and their immediate family tries to save them. 

At least Taken has Quigon.

-Joseph

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